My upper lip has not felt the tingle of a shave for three weeks and one day. People now notice my mustache and say, “are you growing a mustache?” I feel great, I look great and people are respecting me like they never have before. I thought having a mustache would make me want to do more manly stuff, but it turns out it just makes you really good at manly stuff; which in a way makes me want to do more of the manly things because I’m so good at them now. Being cocky for example. I’m much better at being cocky with my mustache. I think girls must love it too because whenever I talk to a girl now, they can never take their eyes off my stache and they’re always making these crazy faces when they look at it. Faces that tell me, “WOW! I could stare at that for hours and never stop finding new cool things about it. Look! A random black hair amongst all the other red ones. And there’s a really long one.” I just stand there with my left eyebrow slightly higher than my right and talk really expressively with my whole mouth, making all the tough, bristley hairs dance. Enough talk. This picture’s worth 2,000 words.